Decode Self-Confidence


Almost everyone I have ever coached, be it someone fresh out of university or seasoned executive from a big corporation, wanted more self-confidence.  Indeed, self-confidence is the single most important condition for higher achievement. But where does confidence come from? And how to have more of it?

A hugely popular book, The Confidence Code, concluded that confidence is about ability and mastery. The more we take actions, fail fast and achieve mastery, the sooner we acquire confidence. While agree with this statement, I believe it is only part of the story.

Self-confidence from doing – the mastery of skills or achievement, while highly desirable, is not always sustainable or transferable.  Otherwise, high achieving celebrities, athletes or CEOs would be so confident about who they are. They would never engage in drugs, aggression or depression.  Because doing gives us confidence in doing that specific type of activity. As soon as we step out of our comfort zone, we confront our incompetence, therefore, lack of confidence.  What would many people do to gain more confidence? Keep doing – another diploma, more certifications, or evening classes in exchange for more recognitions, more achievements, and more mastery.  

Unfortunately, a life based on doing and focused on skills and achievements is like a Christmas tree – plenty of branches, leaves, and ornaments, but no root.  And it gets discarded when snow melts and Christmas is over.  Take the example of Kaoro, a polyglot who studied fashion design at the design school affiliated with a premier fashion brand and was offered a job there upon graduation.  When he was fed up with his boss’s controlling behavior, he quit.  Finding a similar job in that small city is nearly impossible. 

What are the productive things to do in such a situation? Find a job in a different city, start his own business, or reeducate himself. But Kaoro didn’t.  He was attached to his one official identity and his most valued skill and spent the following 5 years telling himself why all the above options were not good for him.  

Even with all the branches cut off, a tree deeply rooted in the soil will continue to grow.  In fact, regular pruning is required to ensure better growth.  When our life is stuck, It is not because we face challenges we cannot overcome. Usually, it is because our vital energy is not flowing smoothly from the root.  The Root cause of any problem is …… always in the …… Root.   

What Kaoro lacks is not the ability to master more skills, but the ability to see himself as the incredible creative force he was born to be and to trust that the Universe is always on his back to support his growth (this applies to everyone).  In other words, what he lacks is Spiritual Intelligence (SQ).  With his 3-dimensional perspective, he believes that all of his current challenges are his reality.  Trying to defiant reality is being unrealistic!  Has anyone heard this before? 😉

When we step into the higher dimensions and see the bigger picture, we will realize that the majority of our beliefs about life, as a result of socialization, are upside down.  For example, the “reality” we see in the world is the RESULT of our own co-creation with the Universe.  Every creation starts with a thought, and we can change our thoughts to change our reality.  In other words, we are the mighty creator of our own reality.  Every choice we make, every action or inaction we take is altering our reality every moment.  We can become conscious or mindful about it or let other people decide the course of our lives for us.  

The purpose of our life is to recognize and to exercise our inner creative power.  Every moment we live in fear, complain about injustice, or blame others for our bad luck instead of taking actions to change the situation, we claim the role of a victim while giving our power away to the “perpetrators”.  And we create more of what we don’t want in the process.

When we know what we want in life, what makes us unique, what are our guiding principles, we gain self-awareness – the beginning of all wisdom. When we know our boundaries, when we know how to ask and receive from people around us and the Universe at large, when we have the courage to speak our truth under any circumstance, when we allow ourselves to be guided by the ultimate wisdom of all – oneness, love and compassion, we will have the self-confidence of a God or a Goddess.

What if Kaoro could understand that his challenges are only gym equipment for him to strengthen his muscles.  What if he could understand that he is not supposed to create his future with challenges as the ingredients.  He is supposed to create the reality he wants with his vision, his passion, his many natural talents, and learned skills, with the support of his network.  That’s the root of his life tree.  When he nurtures his tree from the root, his doing and mastery are simply a natural expression of who he is.  He can create his desired reality at will.

Discover the God and Goddess in you!  

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